Who You Are Now & Who You Can Be: OWN YOU

Quick Side Note: I’m so stinkin new to this whole blogging thing. I’m learning as I go, but I’m loving to be honest. I’ve come to the conclusion that I’ll blog twice a week, maybe three times, depending on my thoughts. I’m not going to be releasing 10 posts at once because that’s just not fair or easy on you. So keep tuned, and follow, so that its easier to see inside the mind of Miss Jackie.enjoy.

So often people, myself included, focus on the past. On living in who we think we are. How often do we fully analyze the deepest part of ourselves. Are we happy with ourselves? If not, why? Better yet why not change? I just recently realized that who I have been for the majority of my life is who I once was. Today is a day to decide who I want to be, why I want to be her, and continue to discover her. It will be an ongoing, changing, life-long process, as it will be with you too.

This all reminds me of something a friend once told me in Oakland. When I was serving my year and a half mission for my church, me and my companion (missionaries go two by two) ran into a lady from a different country. She was beautiful and radiated Christs light even though she wasn’t of our same faith. She said something that I fell in love with. She said “Who you are only matters to two people…you and God”. Who are you at the end of the day. After the makeups off, and you are alone. Who are you when your hairs down and its just you? Are you true to yourself? Because it really only does matter to two people. Others will judge you along your journey but why let that deffer you from being happy?

This same friend said something else that I will never forget….”You do good when people are watching..you do better when its just you and God watches”. This phrase means so many things to me. All of which I wouldn’t be able to state in a simple post (none of my posts seem to be simple). You do better when its just you alone. So many questions pop into my mind, like “Why be better?”,”Why fake ourselves around others?”, “Why not be our best selves, and true to ourselves, and God 100% of the time?”

If you’re like me, and have different faces (chameleon-like) then I suggest that you, like me, take time to find yourself. Who you were in the past can’t and doesn’t define who you are now, and who you can be unless you do nothing to change. I realized this as it was a slap in the face. My time in the hospital opened my eyes like nothing else, yet, two weeks later I’m back to bad habits. I’m not true to myself, and who I want to be. I’m still finding her. I’ll be finding her for a lifetime and I’m excited. The future is bright for everybody and when you take time for you, true time for you, your life will be renewed. Who you are now & Who you can be may be different. Its up to you to be true to yourself at the end of the day and decide your potential. My last words for this post…if you have habits you don’t like, change them, if you have character flaws that aren’t true to who you are fix them. IMPROVE daily, and grow into the real you. Put off the Chameleon that we all can be and OWN YOU.


Opening Day-Eye opening Stats

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So obviously if you are reading this, you’ve come to the right spot for some motivation, upliftment, or maybe even upliftment for others. Seeing as I’m publicly opening all posts today, I figured I would open with some eye opening stats about mental illnesses and define such. Mental illnesses are in a way, mis-fires in the brain that can effect all forms of people. They disable people, to an extent, from doing daily tasks. When not treated properly, these illnesses can effect all people, not just those suffering from the illness. What’s great, is that any form of mental illness can receive help and strength from the proper source. I am NO DOCTOR, and I’m not opening this to diagnose anybody. I’m opening this blog to open your eyes about illnesses that society shouldn’t be afraid of.

Time to Let Go-Light Comes Again

Time to let goWhile I was in the hospital just recently I learned a lot about myself and others. You’ll find through life, as I have, that you can’t control events. Events can change our lives, but our reaction to those events is what is most vital. Events happen daily. Most of which are insignificant. Yet when I was staying in the hospital I felt the most significant moments happening daily. My life was changing there, my views, my health, etc. This entry is about a big event that happened in my life in the hospital but I hope it inspires all to look towards the future. A future of letting go of the past (but holding to the good memories), and remembering that LIGHT COMES AGAIN.

A light came into my life that I didn’t know would ever come again. To explain this I have to give my back story. Ever since I was old enough to like boys I’ve been fascinated by them. I used to have crush after crush (as most young girls do). By the time I got to college however, my fascination changed. I was me, and more confident. I knew I was sorta pretty and that I had many talents to offer others, and myself.

To my surprise, I never got asked out on dates. Not once in my 1st semester of college did a guy ask me out. I was a little confused. I decided that I wasn’t going to wait for guys. Its my life, its my choice. If I thought a guy was cute, I determined in my mind that I would ask him out myself. And I did. Things were iffy for the most part in my dating life, and I semi felt like a failure. I had it all going for me, then why wasn’t it all going right for me? I didn’t realize God had a different plan.By my 2nd semester of college, I wrote boys off. That’s what I thought.

As I walked into my 1st class of the semester and sat next to a boy, my life changed. Or something did. At that moment I couldn’t understand what had happened. This guy sitting right next to me was beaming. I literally thought a light was on him. His face shone and I was confused. What the crap? That doesn’t happen. He was glowing. It was like a light within him was talking to me, inviting me to get to know him. Sure he was kinda good looking, but not my taste by any means. I introduced myself and was extremely shy inside which normally doesn’t happen. Long story short he became a best friend, and at one point I thought I was in love with the man. I realized that that light had a lot to do with love.

Time went on, and God guided me and the boy in separate locations. Different paths. At the moment it was difficult, but since I’ve looked back, I’m more than grateful. Yet, I never thought that light would come back….but then one day it did. As I say, my hospital stay was unlike anything else. Mainly because I finally got to good health again, but secondly because I met him. This individual that I met was unlike anyone I’d ever known. The second I saw him, I knew, and recognized the light. Once again I thought of pure love for this stranger. He too was beaming, but even brighter than the 1st time. I wanted to know all about him, and vice versa.

I know it sounds weird, being in a hospital and falling for (or thinking at the moment that I had) a complete stranger. He was there to diagnose and help me. I knew the light within him was so pure and beautiful. He was beautiful, by many standards. I knew I wanted to know him more and see that light more often in my life. I couldn’t control my health at the time so it helps explain why my emotions would have been everywhere, but it didn’t explain this light.

That night I spoke with my Father in Heaven about the light that had come into my life again. I was ecstatic! I was off the wall. In a way it was like I was love drunk. Probably because of the meds, and also my lack of proper health. He probably laughed at me up in heaven thinking “of course I would guide that light back into your life”. I even knew that the man had mutual feelings because he slightly shared them. Yet, my Father in Heaven told me the answer was not now. I of course, wanted to ignore this answer.

Day after day, I just wanted to know him more. I wanted to live to the best of my abilities so i could be with him. Yet, legally there was no way to be with him, and inside I knew it. Once it really sunk in, my heart broke. It was the worst pain, it felt like I was alone again, but once I let go, it was the biggest freedom. I’m summing my whole story up because words can’t describe the pain, or the light, or the emotions. Or at least I can’t do so at the moment. I later realized I couldn’t love somebody without loving myself first. I coulnd’t put my own wishes before God’s will for me, no matter how hard I might try.

Why am I writing this? To hopefully inspire some one out there to allow the past to be in the past. Get balloons, and then let them go. I was staying in room 7, which was originally the number of balloons I held. I felt love which was red, and sorrow which was black. And of course the white of purity and peace. I let the balloons go finally, but I’ll always remember the good moments, and most importantly, that light comes again.

If you are suffering from a mental illness, remember that light comes. Light comes again when you are least expecting it. In so many forms, that light can come: through proper medicine, through doctors visits, and therapists, through family and loved ones, and through proper coping skills. Take time for you. Take time to laugh, and smile, and discover yourself again. LOVE YOURSELF. God places people in our paths to bring light, and to soften our loads. He places people in our paths to remind us that light will always come again. Be yourself, be happy, and when its hard to be happy, make silly faces, and take time to laugh.

take time to laugh

Coping Skills (Part II)

Part of moving onto a better you is using the proper coping skills. No I’m not a doctor, and I hope nobody trusts me as their doctor, but my time in the hospital changed me. My 9 day stay at the hospital helped me gain tools to cope when life brings trials and difficulties. Remember: each trial comes from our Father in Heaven, and He never gives us more than we can handle!
Going though difficult times can be strenuous on our bodies and especially our minds. Those hard times can seem even harder without the proper form of thinking. We believe what we tell ourselves, so in those moments of hardship and depression it may be hard to get out of the darkness. This post is designed to help all to see how they think, and to help any to think in new ways that will bring new out comes; what I, and all other doctors like to call, CBT; Cognitive Behavioral Therapy.
What is CBT? Cognitive Behavioral Therapy is a way to change our negative thinking, or distorted thinking into a more positive way of approaching life. It pinpoints our thoughts that bring us down, and trains us to re-think. I know what many of you are thinking: I think fine, and I wont be brainwashed. CBT isn’t about brainwashing, its about healthy living, as has been around for over 40 years.
Before my stay in the hospital I had never heard of CBT, and to be honest I was a little scared of what it meant. As I learned more, I got more excited to apply the teachings, and more excited to recognize my own distorted thoughts, and trust me, I had many! (that’s even a distorted thought! Ha!)What I hope that many of you gain from this post is to improve yourself, and improve your future. Once again, I’m not a doctor, I’m simply an individual whose life was changed with the stay at a hospital who wants to help those that haven’t heard this advice yet. Remember, we believe what we tell ourselves!

David Burns Identified 10 major ways that people think improperly. Listed to the Left are those thoughts. I will briefly go through them, and and then later give simple examples of how to combat those negative thoughts

1. All or nothing: Things are absolute; no grey area
2. Over-generalization: Things will never change, it’s always going to be negative to me
3. Mental Filter: Dwelling on the the negative and ignoring positives
4. Discounting the Positives: Insisting the positives don’t matter, Negative is more important
5. Jumping to conclusions: a. Mind reading
b. Fortune Telling
6. Magnification or Minimization; Things are either blown up or dulled down too much
7. Emotional Reasoning: Because I feel this way it’s true
8. Should/Must: Should have would have could have.
9. Labeling: Summarizing yourself OR others based on a label
10. Peronalization: Blaming yourself for something you couldn’t have control over.

In each case of improper thinking there are different ways of discrediting the negative thought. If you’re like me, you might use many. And in fact, many of these thoughts link with other thoughts, such as “Mental Filter” & “Discounting the Positive”. For each of you, the process of recognizing and changing your thinking to be healthier will be personal. I’d like to help out with just a few examples so that you yourself can choose if this is something that will help you.
If you have no mental illness and have never thought any of these ways then great for you. I applaud you. For those of you that think “Yeah maybe I label myself from time to time”, I want to just give you a heads up! As you change your thought process, you  will not only effect yourself, but all around you. Your confidence will skyrocket, and you will help those in your sphere of influence. I can say that, because I’ve seen it happen.

Examples: Listed below are just 3 ways of combating your unhealthy thinking. My best suggestion? Practice on your own, and then go out and buy a CBT workbook. I, myself, picked one up pretty cheap at the store, and its is jam packed with new ways of thinking. Since starting the booklet, I’ve learned to fully recognize my unhealthy thoughts. Since then I’ve been more positive, and optimistic I know it can help all, with, or without any illness 🙂

NO MATTER WHAT: we believe what we tell ourselves. I know that if you choose to challenge your thoughts that are negative, you will evolve into a more beautiful, radiant person, inside and out. No its not easy, but is it worth it? Of course.

Living with Anorexia

Anorexia, such as any mental illness affects the brain and body unlike anything a healthy person would go through. Since I was a teenager I have struggled with living with anorexia. For the longest time I would blanket the disease around myself, almost like it was apart of me. Now I’m ready to share the struggles, heartbreak, challenges, and frustration that goes along with such a disease. I’m ready to be healthy.
Such as I said, I have struggled with this disease on and off since I was a teenager. I was always seen as the perfect child but I didn’t like perfection. I knew perfection was impossible in this life. After all, the main definition of perfection is complete, and I’ve always felt so far from complete. True perfection as I said is not possible. Sure we can be perfect or complete in some aspects, but our whole life cannot be perfect until we are finished, and then its only through Christ that we are made perfect.
I’ve always put so much pressure on myself to be perfect, and control. That’s how my anorexia started. I liked controlling situations, and others. I realized soon that it was impossible to control others and when they would make mistakes. I would see loved ones making mistakes and be terribly hurt by their mistakes so I would turn to something others couldn’t see. The Anorexia.
The Anorexia started off as a friend. It accompanied me on my darkest days, my emotional days, and the days where I felt useless. I didn’t realize then, that off course the Anorexia didn’t care about me. In fact, the anorexia was the one telling me I was useless. Telling me that I didn’t need to eat, telling me that I could control myself long enough to get through the day without food.
I LOVED hiding my perfection in the anorexia. Nobody knew my problems because I was perfect. I didn’t realize then, that I was the one putting all the pressure on myself. All my parents wanted for me was happiness and love. They could care less if I was perfect. They already realized perfect children was an unrealistic goal. Nobody is perfect as Hannah Montana has already put it. I should have listened to her more then I suppose.
One day I decided to be courageous and tell a loved one. He didn’t know how to respond. He responded with love at first, but that turned into frustration. He, like many who don’t struggle with the illness didn’t know how to help. This is where my inspiration to those of you that don’t struggle with the illness comes in.

What to do to help those struggling with Anorexia

The illness ate me up. Literally. I would lose so much muscle and strength. I would lose my personality. The me I once loved that was happy and all over the place would disappear. I allowed myself to be consumed by control. But it felt so good to be hungry. There were times where the hunger pains were gone. I hated that. I loved feeling hungry. Maybe its like the pain with a a tattoo. People can be addicted to pain, and I was. It wasn’t healthy, and it wasn’t me, but it was something i could control. I started pretending it was apart of me. I was over-dramatic, and pushed people away. I only kept those close to me if they wouldn’t force or pry. This might happen to you. DON’T be offended.
The times would come where I would muster the courage to be healthy. But it was up to me. I couldn’t look at pictures of fitness magazines, or even look up “Thinspirations”. Those were the worse. What once was control, turned into a number with the illness. I was so consumed getting to a number weight wise that nothing else mattered. So when the times would come where I would choose to be healthy I had to avoid all scales. Once I got so annoyed at a nurse at the hospital. She didn’t know I was struggling with the illness. I turned away from the scale so I wouldn’t have to know, and of course she reads me my number. Had it not been for my determination to get better, and great support system and my own sense of humor I could have had a lapse. I’m stronger than that though.
The easiest way for me to start getting my calories again was those stupid daily vitamins. In addition I would drink a lot of water, and find smoothie recipes. For each person struggling with the illness its very personal. I thought I was a coward for getting myself help. Others may view me as a coward, but inside I know I’m a hero for overcoming this illness again. Sure I may have lapses but I know I will have moments of triumph and victory again until I can say its gone. I know that Anorexia isn’t a part of me. Its a disease. People struggle with it, and have struggled with it for a long time. I’m just one rock in a pond but I hope that I’ve helped those of you without the illness to see a glimpse of how consuming the illness is. Every though revolves around not eating, and being in control.
To those of you struggling with the illness, or currently working to being healthy I say to you. Keep living. Keep going. You are worth it. No matter who tell you that you aren’t worth living, and aren’t worth the time, you are. Be your own hero. It sounds easier than doing, but start today to decide your reason to be healthier. Maybe its family, maybe its a loved one. But decide for you. Be healthy, and own it. Don’t own the disease and blanket it around yourself. Don’t listen to the words the disease tells you like “You are worthless, you don’t need food”. The disease is fed by your unhealthiness. Become who you need to be without the disease. Be free, and choose a life of happiness. A happiness where you don’t have to look in the mirror and wear a mask. A happiness where you don’t have to compare. A happiness without a scale. Choose for YOU, then do.